Hunting Accident

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Jesus Saves

A man was caught in a flash flood and had only a thin tree branch to hang onto to prevent him from being washed into the water. As the water became stronger and he began to tire, a motorboat appeared out of nowhere. "Come on buddy, get in," yelled the boatman. "Its okay," the man said. "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me." So the boat continued on and the water began to rise. When it was up to his neck another boat appeared. "better get in or you'll drown," shouted the boatman. "No, it's okay," said the man. "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me." The boatman shrugged and rowed away. By this time the water had reached the mans chin. A third boat appeared. "This is your last chance, get in!" yelled the boatman. "No, Jesus will save me." The boat went off and seconds later the man drowned. Arriving in Heaven he was greeted by Jesus. "Hey, Jesus, I trusted you and you let me drown! I don't believe it!" Jesus replied, "Neither do I. I sent three damned boats to save you."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it."

"The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese."